I just lost him.
It was more painful than being rejected in that much awaited job interview or having let go of that only red balloon that we want to bring home after the kiddie party. I feel remorse, more intense than the death of a lovely puppy. In fact, the grief is anesthesia to my senses.
I will never see him like I’ve never seen him. It gets hard when one of you stops understanding but you know that you used to understand each other. It’s just that, one goes beyond not understanding how to understand. The fights that go along with the friction aren’t orgasmic anymore.
Then, a heart suddenly chooses to stop beating for you.
He is the type who knows when to stop and when not to want anymore. I saw this coming… just not tonight. He dumped me simply because I don’t have time to spare for him. Apparently, his concept of ‘spending time together’ is a 24-hour undivided attention regardless of insomnia and narcolepsy. The only exceptions are the moments he travels in dreamland or he goes to Government or Farenheit or spends quality drinking sessions with his close friends. I understand that he lived his own lifestyle even before we met and I have to grant him that. But when he’s vacant, I have to be vacant, too. If not, I’m declared as an unworthy partner. Less than 24 hours for him, it’s not ‘spending time together’. It’s allegedly a deliberate attempt at ignoring him.
My concept of spending time together is of quality staggered little moments. I have to work my ass off, period. As an editor, I don’t sleep for days. As a production slave, I can only breath during break times. I make sure I spend time with him, in any manner available to me, summing up to 6 hours a day. The truth is, months ago when I was a bum, he had the entire of me almost 20 hours daily.
Here in Batanes, acquiring a cellular network is nosebleed. Most locations are remote and we finish shooting after midnight. During breaks, I eat while I virtually spend time with him. While there’s a take (as long as there’s a signal), I spend time with him. The wonders of technology.
Apparently, he couldn’t sustain to understand that I have to survive so I work myself to death. He doesn’t think that while my body kills itself, my mind wanders, worrying about how his colds ruin his day. Or his stomach ache could actually be appendicitis. Or if he stuffs himself with just fried chicken, four meals a day. Or paranoid that he might be in someone else’s arms.
I know he tried to adjust to being my work’s competitor and it was not easy for him to do that. I appreciate that magnanimously, I loved him more for that. But for an innately impatient person who wants your full attention 24/7, waiting is death to him.
Yesterday and today, I failed to contact him. Not that I didn’t want to, as what he insists, but because we were shooting in a remote area without any network. When I got back to civilization, he didn’t want to hear my stories anymore. He refused to respond on how fun it was talking with Iza Calzado. Or how the shoot can be so nasty. How the weather can be so unpredictable. Nor was he interested in telling me how his day had been. He wouldn’t even show me his vanities anymore nor told me what was currently listening to. Nor showed me anything that made me deeply fell for him.
Then a while ago, he told me it was over. The news was buried right on my bleeding chest. Oh, and he didn’t want to hear my dramas anymore. How karma works so ironically just when everything else are going smoothly for me.
He told me he’s gone. Without fighting for what was left of us. Probably, he was too tired of the situation. Too impatient with my allegedly “long” absence. I don’t know how to grieve for now.
A sudden realization. Those who say ‘I’ll wait for you’ are usually the ones who won’t. Those who say ‘please don’t leave me’ are the ones who won’t stay. And those who say ‘I love you’ are the ones who will not be patient enough to see you home at night.
And those who whisper your name in the wind are the ones who will say they have just stopped loving you the moment you’re not the person they’d want you to be.
Anyway, I took pictures of the shoot here in Batanes. We just wrapped up our third day, by the way. I’ll post the gorgeous pics when I have the chance. Soon.
I’d rather be happy and move on. Besides, I have the whole month to get occupied with Batanes. And a Cinemalaya script to finish and polish. When something leaves, something comes. I can’t have it all.